the one that I forgot

Just like always, as I turn that
corner. I am lost in the waves of people. Melting, disappearing.
I lose my way. I even completely lose my words.
But just one thing remains,
remains... Your voice.
Your smiling faces, your angry faces, everything keeps me walking on. The point where the clouds break, I'm sure you can
see it. You know what I mean?
Even though I live ambiguously.
My heart is immature, but
because of it, look, over there is the person important to me.
If you get lost, I will be your
guide. If you believe in me. I'm positive I know the way. So don't be afraid.
The light collects and shoots
across the sky. Like it understands you. And then, the road you walk shines even more... forever.
Going from your hair to your
voice to your mouth, too
It's just as good now.

A Box

There's a girl holding a box with pink heart picture on it. There are many memories and emotions in that box. The girl is holding the box tightly like dear her life. She doesn't want to lose something precious while keeping anything bad in that box. Anything bad that had happened in her life. But too much memories and emotions in there. So she made a promise long time ago to never put any emotions in there again. Just only putting the memory. She keeps act emotionless, but her heart feeling is too weak so she can breaks at anytime. She never told anyone about her mind and feeling. She keep it in another box. No. A chest. A black one. And she is always keeping that black chest locked, secured deep down in her heart.

I don't wanna...

I don't wanna be an adult. Adult is a liar... And I don't wanna remember anything. Just like a lifeless doll hanging by marionette wires... -chuckles- If that marionette doll is me, then what are you? Are you the puppet master? If you are then why my life feels so empty? Nobody knows the answer. Now when the puppet master has gone; the marionette doll loses its meaning of life. Because its reason being taken away by the puppet master... Lifeless Marionette Doll

..............................................................

It's cold but warm inside...
Christmas is over and the end of year 2009 is near.
But I can't pass this year with peace... How sad... but I can pass it by spending my time with my cousin, uncles, and aunties, BIG family...
I'm happy...

Regrets

I just sat and mind wonder... but a memory came and make me feel a huge sadness. Some face showed up in my mind, people I love very much.

One of those was my mother. I remembered how sad I was when I lost my mother... I cried very much and regret anything bad I did to her, regret I couldn't apologize to her, and regret I didn't spend much time with her. I was ten back then. People said I was too young to remember anything about my mother, but I remember it clearly. I love my mother very much.

Then I remembered about my friends at elementary school. When we were playing any games like hide and seek, police and robber, wall base (I don't know the English name of Cing benteng), drama, etc. I and few of my friends liked to hang out together. But now is different. When we're in middle school we had been separated. We hadn't call or contact at each other, no, maybe just me who they didn't contact. Well, few of them still keep in touch with me but it's not like before. I miss them very much.

My community friends, GLARYS... I don't have any word to describe it. They are funny though and I like them. But I'm just a tail. Ask why? I'm just tailing them from behind, almost never join their conversations, and they just search me when needed. And when I need them, they just nowhere around. But I miss and love them very much.

Then my love life, I got heart break many times -chuckles- maybe because I'm not pretty like the other girls or not smart enough. Haha~

But I have a though heart haha~

Face It

Face up the reality, don't look behind your back. Stop clinging to people who that never come. Shut your mouth, than lies come out from your mouth. You don't know who ever will come to your life, who ever will break the thick wall around you, who ever will win your frozen-heart. It's just like you've been gambling with your fate. Isn't it correct? Do you really believe how people changes and forget the past? I don't have to change myself, because this is who I am and no one can change that even my love for him. This is the real me, when people just know the fake one. When will you open the mask of fake? I don't know. Then what are you? The 'real' one of you.

What I Want To Write

Aku membuat banyak penyesalan... Mungkin karena keegoisan diri sendiri ya? Entahlah.

Pertama, dari ide aneh tentang kelompok GLARYS. Andai aku tak mempunyai ide itu aku tak perlu menyesal sekali. Garis, Icha, Yudhi, Ade, Shidqi, lalu Melvin yg baru bergabung. Dulu aku berpikir positif tentang kelompok ini dan sekarang aku mengelakkan pikiran-pikiran tersebut. Mungkin terdengar bodoh tapi begitulah kenyataannya.

Lalu aku membenci perbedaan di antara kami, lebih tepatnya aku dengan mereka. Seperti mereka mempunyai pacar dan aku tidak (jomblo memang seperti takdirku). Lalu dimana kami bersekolah, mereka bisa terus bersama hingga bosan. Perbedaan pergaulanku dengan pergaulan mereka, apa yg mereka obrolkan tentang teman-teman mereka. Tentu saja aku tidak mengerti apa yg mereka obrolkan. Mereka bisa bersenang-senang tanpa aku. Aku tidak mengerti, tidak tahu apa-apa, tidak nyambung, dan bengong terdiam seperti orang bodoh. Perbedaan memang baik, tapi bagiku ini bukan perbedaan yg positif! Aku tersingkirkan dan menjadi sendirian.

Tidak ada yang sempurna... Tidak ada yang abadi... Tidak ada yang berkuasa... Tidak ada yang bisa... Untuk manusia...

Bodoh bukan? Karena seperti inilah aku sangat menyesal. Tak ada jalan keluarnya. Aku sama sekali tidak berguna. Kalau kuyakin mereka masih seperti dulu, semua itu akan menghilang. Aku berbeda, aku berbeda, aku berbeda, berbeda, berbeda, dan berbeda... Seberapa banyak? Sebanyak lebih dari yang kukira. Karenanya aku mencoba untuk melarikan diri dari kenyataan, kembali ke masa lalu.

Aku bagaikan orang dusun yg baru ke kota kalau berkumpul dengan mereka. Permainan tidak lucu mereka yang membuatku memaksakan tawa palsu dan berikutnya salah tingkah. Entah sudah berapa kali mereka lakukan itu padaku. Beberapa kali aku tidak bisa marah walau sebenarnya aku sangat marah, karena mereka tak menghargaiku yang sudah susah payah mengarahkan diri untuk memaafkan. Aku memang bukan pendendam, tapi memang tak seharusnya mereka mengetahui perasaanku sekarang yang telah diombang-ambing segala kegelisahan dan perasaan negatif... Perasaanku sudah tidak boleh disentuh lagi.

Aku sangat menyesal dan berkali-kali memutuskan untuk pergi saja, keluar dari status tidak jelas itu... Karena keberadaanku lebih baik tidak ada di antara mereka.

Menghilang seperti lenyap ditelan bumi. Karena aku tidak ingin merasakan perasaan benci itu...

I'm useless...